My best friend, the one that saw me through many things till date has left me. I will miss you everyday. I’m really sorry if I hadn’t spent enough time with you or done enough for you recently. I thought I was ready but when the time came, I couldn’t, so I made some mistakes. I hope you’re in a good place now, because I think that’s what you deserve for being such a great friend. Words cannot describe what you’ve given me, and how I feel about you. But just know that I will never forget you and you were really just a wonderful part of my life, past and present. I love you dearly and hope you felt love while you were with us. I miss you, I miss you very much.
My best friend, cuddly companion and sneaky curious partner, rest in peace. Sorry, but we couldn’t bare to see you suffer any longer. Sorry I couldn’t dedicate the time after your passing to think about you. I screwed up badly with my time and I feel so bad.
I love you and will continue to love memories of you. Thank you for everything, you always made my day better. Goodbye, just wait for me if you can because I really would want to see you again.
"Your disheartened smile, your droopy shoulders, you look like you’re about to cry.
It’s no fun if everything goes well from the start.
Now hold my hand, forget the long nights filled with tears and sniffling, and now smile.
Those previous days where you ran so hard, that sincerity will never betray you.
'I am your vitamin' I will cheer for you.
I love you, I believe in your passion.”
Suruga-chō (No. 8)
from 100 Famous Views of Edo by Ando Hiroshige, Utagawa School
Japanese Woodblock Print, Brooklyn Museum [x]
One of the more famous scenes from the ollection, it has all the hallmarks of traditional Japanese Art. The formal symmetry and the empowering Mt. Fuji at the top demonstrate a sense of balance. The styalized couds typical of Japanese storytelling arts and the Eastern perspective tools (height to represent distance) reinforce the role this art work played in promoting cultural traditions. The store fronts here were the premier shops for textiles. Today, this is the site of the premier department store in Japan, Mitsukoshi.
Bell Tower in Rain, Okayama, 1920
Kawase Hasui, 1883-1957
"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."
Thich Nhat Hanh (via thecalminside)
“You ain’t gonna believe this, but you used to fit right here. I’d hold you up to say to your mother, ‘This kid’s gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid’s gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew.’ And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watchin’ you, every day was like a privilege. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you’re no good. And when things got hard, you started lookin’ for something to blame, like a big shadow.
Let me tell you something you already know.The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!
Now if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!
I’m always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son and you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain’t gonna have a life.”
I have 5 minutes to vent. I have a schedule to keep to. This is my reality. I have to face it. I have to make it happen. I know what I should do but I am not doing it. Why? Because I am indulging in self pity. Whenever I think about it, whenever I look at it, my brain literally starts heating up and i get a headache. Almost like a fucking reflex action. My subconscious has even allowed my physical body to give in to the self pitying process. I’m disgusting. How did I get to this. I’ve only lived 22 years but my mind feels like it’s been around for a lifetime. I’ve been awake for too long. Different parts of my body are aging at a different pace. Nothing feels synced; everything’s disconnected. Fuck it’s past 5 minutes I should be sleeping the headache away. How do I go to sleep with so many thoughts. They’re rushing through my brain rapidly wearing the fibers of my physical brain out with friction. Worn out just so damn worn out. Thinking about it just hurts. So I put it off. Try to relax by putting it at the back of my head. The task gets bigger and bigger and I just get weaker and weaker. How did I let things get so so so out of hand. I am indulging in self pity? Am I subconsciously resisting positive change because I don’t want to stop being the victim? That sounds insane. I might be going insane.
Help. But who am I seeking help from. The only help I need is from myself. I have to get out of this funk by myself. Who’s going to help. Nobody cares and nobody can anyway. I am alone. Absolutely alone. Do I have issues with that? I just need one thing. One thing. One chance. One free chance. One free chance to help turn everything around. One free chance right now because I am simply too tired to fight for myself. Do free chances even exist. I am putting my faith in the wrong things. Taking the easy way out. Is there really no easy way?
Perhaps I do deserve to fail then. Given the fact I had four days and I avoided everything just because it gave me a headache and made me feel extremely small and unhappy. It is exactly how I got to this stage. It is exactly that subconscious repetitive process of avoidance. Why can I face my problems head on. Why do I get so discouraged when I think about them. WHY. Why do I have to find the answers to these pointless questions. Why don’t i just leave everything, every last broken bit of shit right where they are and move the fuck on? Obviously it is because I don’t want to move on. It is something I want to do. I am just not strong enough not brave enough not confident enough to communicate my desire. I am just not. That is why I hold myself back. Standing in the way of myself all the fucking time. Coming up with excuses, being polite being agreeable. Fucking madness. When will I start seeing that I have to buck the fuck up or I’ll never survive. I am born to live not to live for someone else. My parents and loved ones will leave me and then I will be left with the things I’ve made for myself. If I continue to allow myself to be such a bloody wuss, I will be left with absolutely nothing but memories and a fucked up future. Fuck when am I going to wake up?!?! Do I need a beating. Do I need to feel pain to wake the fuck up? Maybe not since my head hurts but it doesn’t seem to encourage me to continue working. What the fuck do I need to do to make some kind of bloody progress.
I should be frank. I should be confident. I should be proud. I should be shameless. I should be what I have to be to survive. I need to pass. I need confirmation. I need to wake up. I need to fight. I need to wake up I need to wake up. I need to wake up. Wake up wake up wake up. Fucking numb. I will be convincing. I will tell the truth. I will get it all out. I will get my way. I will wake the fuck up. I will get the second chance. I will pass. I WILL FUCKING PASS. IF I DONT I WILL TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND FUCKING AGAIN. I will deal with the mess. I will pull through.